The Four Horsemen

My Marriage Class has become increasingly difficult this week.  Learning about the Four Horsemen from Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” has been heart wrenching.  I am close to finishing my degree in Marriage and Family Science but have put off taking this class for many semesters.  After my 15 year temple marriage ended in divorce, I’ve had a lot of healing to do.  I have wanted desperatley to be in a new healthy relationship while taking this marriage class so I could apply the principles that I am learning.  That has not happened however.  With each chapter I read and each exercise I am supposed to complete, I don’t even know who to think about.  I sometimes look to the past, thinking what went wrong, how can I learn from this, etc.  I sometimes look into the future, thinking how does this apply to the kind of companion I am looking for, does that guy I have a little crush on want to read this book with me and get married, lol.  I am most often left to turn it over to the Lord, feeling completely lost.  While I try to push forward waiting on the Lord and actively seeking to apply faith and diligently searching to be taught of Him, I push forward in my degree.  I would like to share with you the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which “clip-clop into the heart of the marriage in the following order...”

Criticism - A criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality.

Contempt - A sense of superiority over one’s partner.  It is a form of disrespect.

Defensiveness - Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.  You’re saying in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Stonewalling - In marriages where discussions begin with harsh start-ups, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice-versa, eventually one partner tunes out.

Every marriage is touched by one or more of these nagative interactions.  You can take a look at how far your marriage has gone down the wrong road by evaluating these horsemen.  If you are at the point of stonewalling, it is going to take an enormous amount of work to repair your marriage.  However, depending on how precious your marriage is to you, you might want to put forth the same effort and hard work even if you have only experienced criticism.  

In “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” by Goddard, we learn how we can act in spiritual maturity.  “How do we react when someone attacks and blames us?  Do we defend ourselves at all costs?”  Do we try to be fair and balanced?  Or do we, like Jesus, recognie that ugliness is often an expression of pain?  Do we minister with love and patience?  Do we bring healing to the injured?”