Staying Emotionally Connected

Every individual has a great desire to been seen and heard, or in reality, the word is "felt."  This comes through emotional connection.  Emotional connection can be obtained in many ways.   According to Dr. Gottman, happy couples live by the credo "When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen" (p. 103).  He lists several tips to aid in emotional connection.  These include exploratory statements, such as:

"I want to know everything that you are feeling."

"We have lots of time to talk."

"Tell me your major concerns here."

as well as open-ended questions:

"What are your concerns?"

"What do you need from me right now?"

"What is your worst-case scenario?"

You'll notice a theme here, everything is about what you give, not what you get.  And yet the research shows that the way to be emotionally connected is to be willing to share this very kind of information about yourself.  We must be willing to be completely vulnerable, which leads us to the topic of faith.

"Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ points us outward" according to Dr. Goddard of Drawing Heaven into your Marriage.  He teaches that the "gospel of Jesus Christ is designed to lift our vision from our own petty and relentless wants to something nobler" (p. 60).  "Every man seeking the interest of his neighbor, and doing all things with an eye single to the glory of God" (D&C 82:19).

One reason we should seek the interest of our neighbor or spouse, is that "as surely as we try to take from our partner her or his beliefs and preferences, we will get resistance and defensiveness" (p. 62).

We cannot take away someone else's perspective.  "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us.  The more we trust in God's purposes in perfecting our partners (and don't try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress.

This has been a particularly hard lesson for me to learn.  I am a fixer, a doer, the advice-giver, when all my spouse was looking for was to be felt, not helped.  Let us put our pride where it belongs and remember who took upon himself the sins of the world.  We are not the project manager of the universe, we are simply a friend.  I believe as we have faith in the Lord, it will be manifest in our actions.  We will be able to turn toward our spouse and not away from them.  We will be able to help them feel comfortable in turning towards and not away from us.  Everybody is looking for a friend, someone with whom they have an emotional connection, someone to feel and to be felt.

Marry a best friend

“Marrying your best friend eliminates the risk of divorce by over 70%. These marriages are more likely to last a lifetime”(thepsychmind.com). Some of the reasons to marry a best friend include fulfilling our human needs, finding happiness in marriage, and consecrating that marriage to God.

As we come to understand Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs, we have a road map for successful marriages.  This formula follows that once your basic needs are met, you will better equipped to chose a marriage partner who is a best friend, fulfilling psychological needs.  Developing a deep friendship, will then be the foundation of a happy marriage and also promote reaching a level of self-fulfillment, which members of the church know as living the law of consecration. Wallace Goddard in Drawing Heaven into Your Marraige, states that “afflictions are the process by which God cultivates growth.  Rather than dread our difficulties, we can learn to welcome them.  We can learn to see them as blessings from heaven.” (p. 37)

“At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.  These couples tend to know eachother intimately - they are well versed in eachother’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.  They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.” (Gottman, p. 21)

This is a picture of my sweet friend Christina and her husband Jon.  Ten years ago, Jon was in a motorcycle accident that left him paralyzed.  At the time, their 4 daughters were ages 1-8, just babies.  Now, their oldest daughter is serving a mission and teaching the gospel to the people of Brazil.    I have loved watching their family grow through their afflictions.  Their enduring friendship is a beautiful example in my life.  Marry a best friend, life is hard!

The Four Horsemen

My Marriage Class has become increasingly difficult this week.  Learning about the Four Horsemen from Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” has been heart wrenching.  I am close to finishing my degree in Marriage and Family Science but have put off taking this class for many semesters.  After my 15 year temple marriage ended in divorce, I’ve had a lot of healing to do.  I have wanted desperatley to be in a new healthy relationship while taking this marriage class so I could apply the principles that I am learning.  That has not happened however.  With each chapter I read and each exercise I am supposed to complete, I don’t even know who to think about.  I sometimes look to the past, thinking what went wrong, how can I learn from this, etc.  I sometimes look into the future, thinking how does this apply to the kind of companion I am looking for, does that guy I have a little crush on want to read this book with me and get married, lol.  I am most often left to turn it over to the Lord, feeling completely lost.  While I try to push forward waiting on the Lord and actively seeking to apply faith and diligently searching to be taught of Him, I push forward in my degree.  I would like to share with you the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which “clip-clop into the heart of the marriage in the following order...”

Criticism - A criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality.

Contempt - A sense of superiority over one’s partner.  It is a form of disrespect.

Defensiveness - Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.  You’re saying in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Stonewalling - In marriages where discussions begin with harsh start-ups, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice-versa, eventually one partner tunes out.

Every marriage is touched by one or more of these nagative interactions.  You can take a look at how far your marriage has gone down the wrong road by evaluating these horsemen.  If you are at the point of stonewalling, it is going to take an enormous amount of work to repair your marriage.  However, depending on how precious your marriage is to you, you might want to put forth the same effort and hard work even if you have only experienced criticism.  

In “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” by Goddard, we learn how we can act in spiritual maturity.  “How do we react when someone attacks and blames us?  Do we defend ourselves at all costs?”  Do we try to be fair and balanced?  Or do we, like Jesus, recognie that ugliness is often an expression of pain?  Do we minister with love and patience?  Do we bring healing to the injured?”