A Healthy Start

The following is a list of ways to help marriages get off to a healthy start:

1. Newly married couples should leave their parents and cleave unto their spouses

Every marriage can have a healthy start.  In fact, let's start in the very beginning.....(Genesis 2:24).  "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh."  This is one of the first scriptures found in the Old Testament regarding family relationships.  Elder Marvin J. Ashton teaches:

Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted.  They are still family, a great source of strength.... Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.

2. Create a marital identity

Seek parental support in this endeavor.  Remember, "parents give their children two things: roots to grow, and wings to fly."  Establish your own home, your own traditions, your own marital identity.

3. Accept differences in your in-laws family

From Poduska's "Til Debt Do Us Part" chapter 2, "What We Bring with Us" we learn that every family has rules; explicit family rules, implicit family rules, and intuitive family rules.  Relationships will be improved if you take the time to make an inventory of your different family rules, take note of rules that are a source of conflict, talk about when family rules are broken, learn to cope with family financial rules by evaluating birth-order clusters, discover financially effective personality characteristics, and finally, evaluate your task satisfaction scale.

4. Include the new spouses in the extended family

Communication is key in helping families form healthy relationships.  "Parents can be most supportive by encouraging their child's relationship with his or her in-laws, by inquiring sometimes about the well-being of the other in-laws, and by avoiding duplicating in a competitive way what they other set of in-laws does (Helping and Healing Our Families, pg. 332).

Extended families are a blessing to newly married couples.  It is summarized best in the Proclamation, "Extended families should lend support when needed."  When both parents and children can remember these words, eternal relationships will flourish!

Sanctification in Marriage

It was indeed refreshing to read some pro-sex discussion on the important sacred emotional and physical union of a man and a woman.  This is something that I believe firmly in.  I think President John Taylor said it well:

“We have a great many principles innate in our natures that are correct, but they want sanctifying. God said to man, ‘Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that moveth upon the Earth.’( Genesis 1:28) Well, he has planted, in accordance with this, a natural desire in women towards man, and in man towards women and a feeling of affection, regard, and sympathy exists between the sexes. We bring it into the world with us, but that, like everything else, has to be sanctified. An unlawful gratification of these feelings and sympathies is wrong in the sight of God, and leads down to death, while a proper exercise of our functions leads to life, happiness, and exaltations in this world and the world to come. And so it is in regard to a thousand other things.”

And boy can I think of a thousand other things that need sanctifying.  For those things that I have already committed to God, it is beautifully simple.  Each commandment that we keep, and honor, purifies our souls with a great peace.  I often forget how absolutely blissful it is to enjoy a healthy body, one free from nicotine, alcohol, and other harmful substances.  What a gift we have.  If we choose to honor our body and soul by getting good sleep, eating healthy, and exercising regularly, we enjoy a multitude of benefits.  If we chose to honor our body and soul by ensuring it gives and receives only the most honest affections within marital vows, the blessings are simply beautiful, the peace indescribable, and the heart full of pure joy.

I wish I was enjoying such a sacred union myself.  Then this would have been easier for me to say.  But I am not.  This week's readings were difficult.  I look forward to the day that I can fulfill my destiny, as President Kimball described, "It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units."  I am grateful for the promised blessings of my Father in Heaven and have faith in His timing.

Gridlocked

It has been interesting to learn from Dr Gottman and Dr. Goddard and while I have enjoyed all of Dr. Gottman's teachings of the 7 principles, they have paled in comparison to the themes of Dr. Goddard's book.  That being said, this week, Dr. Gottman got me with his explanation of gridlock and unfulfilled dreams.  It really is a spiritual aspect of our eternal beings, figuring out what we ultimately want out of this life, what are our dreams?!  I was able to think about my own, examine what I believe the dreams of my ex-husband are, and think about what the dreams are of a potential marriage partner that I am dating.  This broad perspective helped me to feel grounded and sure of my path, where I am going, what my goals are, why they are important to me, and how to accommodate the deepest dreams of those around me.  It really makes life a beautiful puzzle.

I also enjoyed reading about the pure love of Christ, through the chapter on charity in Dr. Goddard's book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.  He quotes President Joseph F. Smith's counsel: "speak only of the good that you know and feel, one for another, and thus bury each other's faults and not magnify them; isn't that better?"  This is a powerful question.  I lived in a 15 year marriage where I truly feel that I lived this principle to my very fullest.  It brought me tremendous joy.  But what was to be said of all that joy when a spouse leaves a family and abandons their covenants?  I have often wondered if it should have been better to find a way to deal with our shortcomings rather than bury our faults.  The only way to know is through the Spirit.  The Spirit can testify to us whether facing a challenge in grace is full of more charity and pure love than burying it.  These principles are difficult.  But whenever I turn to the Lord for clarity and help, a way is provided to expand my heart, to find more love, to give more, to sacrifice more, to have charity.  I am so grateful for these eternal principles that stand supreme to all of the marriage advice in the world!

Perspective

This is a picture of me and my ex-husband.  While this blog is public, it is very personal to me.

It is my personal experiences with my marriage and the aftermath of divorce that I draw my perspective from as I learn about successful marriages.  When I see this image, I long for a happier healthier relationship with my ex-husband.  I know that we can share this kind of joy as brothers and sisters in Christ just as siblings do.  He feels very much a part of me, just like an immediate family member.  Unfortunately right now, I can't relate to his perspective and therefore it feels like dealing with a pesky little brother.  I guess that would make me the mean bossy older sister!  And I am pretty certain that is exactly how he feels.

According to Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, we must “remember that all experience is subjective... Each of your perceptions is equally valid.  So your aim isn’t to persuade or to debate whose perceptions were more accurate.  Instead your goal is to gain greater understanding of each other’s subjective reality...” (pg. 188).

I have a favorite quote that hangs on the center of my entry wall which states, "We are all just walking each other home."  I love this quote along with another which states that "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."  I can feel how much judging and criticism I hold in this relationship.  It is my goal to find opportunities to serve my ex-husband so that I can have more love for him.  

The teachings of Dr. Goddard in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, can apply to all relationships not just marriage.  In chapter 6 we learn about the law of consecration, which is what true disciples do, to "consecrate our time, talents, strength, property, and money for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God on this earth and the establishment of Zion."  The fundamentals of this principle are that the more we give our lives to God, the more He makes of them for the benefit of all.

I know that I have been nit-picking, I have been holding back waiting for my ex-husband to do his part in repairing the damage that has been done to our eternal family.  I never lived like this in my marriage, I was always one to give whole-heartedly!  I feel a renewed commitment to have faith in God and to go forward doing good works, not counting the cost.  I am searching to slow down in this process and find peace.  It isn't a race home to see who is the winner, "we are all just walking each other home."  This image conjures up feelings of walking slowly talking with a best friend, headed for the same destination together! "When we have the mind of Christ, there is no one we cannot fully love nor gladly serve" pg. 106.  This is my perspective!

Staying Emotionally Connected

Every individual has a great desire to been seen and heard, or in reality, the word is "felt."  This comes through emotional connection.  Emotional connection can be obtained in many ways.   According to Dr. Gottman, happy couples live by the credo "When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen" (p. 103).  He lists several tips to aid in emotional connection.  These include exploratory statements, such as:

"I want to know everything that you are feeling."

"We have lots of time to talk."

"Tell me your major concerns here."

as well as open-ended questions:

"What are your concerns?"

"What do you need from me right now?"

"What is your worst-case scenario?"

You'll notice a theme here, everything is about what you give, not what you get.  And yet the research shows that the way to be emotionally connected is to be willing to share this very kind of information about yourself.  We must be willing to be completely vulnerable, which leads us to the topic of faith.

"Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ points us outward" according to Dr. Goddard of Drawing Heaven into your Marriage.  He teaches that the "gospel of Jesus Christ is designed to lift our vision from our own petty and relentless wants to something nobler" (p. 60).  "Every man seeking the interest of his neighbor, and doing all things with an eye single to the glory of God" (D&C 82:19).

One reason we should seek the interest of our neighbor or spouse, is that "as surely as we try to take from our partner her or his beliefs and preferences, we will get resistance and defensiveness" (p. 62).

We cannot take away someone else's perspective.  "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us.  The more we trust in God's purposes in perfecting our partners (and don't try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress.

This has been a particularly hard lesson for me to learn.  I am a fixer, a doer, the advice-giver, when all my spouse was looking for was to be felt, not helped.  Let us put our pride where it belongs and remember who took upon himself the sins of the world.  We are not the project manager of the universe, we are simply a friend.  I believe as we have faith in the Lord, it will be manifest in our actions.  We will be able to turn toward our spouse and not away from them.  We will be able to help them feel comfortable in turning towards and not away from us.  Everybody is looking for a friend, someone with whom they have an emotional connection, someone to feel and to be felt.

Marry a best friend

“Marrying your best friend eliminates the risk of divorce by over 70%. These marriages are more likely to last a lifetime”(thepsychmind.com). Some of the reasons to marry a best friend include fulfilling our human needs, finding happiness in marriage, and consecrating that marriage to God.

As we come to understand Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs, we have a road map for successful marriages.  This formula follows that once your basic needs are met, you will better equipped to chose a marriage partner who is a best friend, fulfilling psychological needs.  Developing a deep friendship, will then be the foundation of a happy marriage and also promote reaching a level of self-fulfillment, which members of the church know as living the law of consecration. Wallace Goddard in Drawing Heaven into Your Marraige, states that “afflictions are the process by which God cultivates growth.  Rather than dread our difficulties, we can learn to welcome them.  We can learn to see them as blessings from heaven.” (p. 37)

“At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.  These couples tend to know eachother intimately - they are well versed in eachother’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.  They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.” (Gottman, p. 21)

This is a picture of my sweet friend Christina and her husband Jon.  Ten years ago, Jon was in a motorcycle accident that left him paralyzed.  At the time, their 4 daughters were ages 1-8, just babies.  Now, their oldest daughter is serving a mission and teaching the gospel to the people of Brazil.    I have loved watching their family grow through their afflictions.  Their enduring friendship is a beautiful example in my life.  Marry a best friend, life is hard!

The Four Horsemen

My Marriage Class has become increasingly difficult this week.  Learning about the Four Horsemen from Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” has been heart wrenching.  I am close to finishing my degree in Marriage and Family Science but have put off taking this class for many semesters.  After my 15 year temple marriage ended in divorce, I’ve had a lot of healing to do.  I have wanted desperatley to be in a new healthy relationship while taking this marriage class so I could apply the principles that I am learning.  That has not happened however.  With each chapter I read and each exercise I am supposed to complete, I don’t even know who to think about.  I sometimes look to the past, thinking what went wrong, how can I learn from this, etc.  I sometimes look into the future, thinking how does this apply to the kind of companion I am looking for, does that guy I have a little crush on want to read this book with me and get married, lol.  I am most often left to turn it over to the Lord, feeling completely lost.  While I try to push forward waiting on the Lord and actively seeking to apply faith and diligently searching to be taught of Him, I push forward in my degree.  I would like to share with you the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which “clip-clop into the heart of the marriage in the following order...”

Criticism - A criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality.

Contempt - A sense of superiority over one’s partner.  It is a form of disrespect.

Defensiveness - Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.  You’re saying in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Stonewalling - In marriages where discussions begin with harsh start-ups, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice-versa, eventually one partner tunes out.

Every marriage is touched by one or more of these nagative interactions.  You can take a look at how far your marriage has gone down the wrong road by evaluating these horsemen.  If you are at the point of stonewalling, it is going to take an enormous amount of work to repair your marriage.  However, depending on how precious your marriage is to you, you might want to put forth the same effort and hard work even if you have only experienced criticism.  

In “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” by Goddard, we learn how we can act in spiritual maturity.  “How do we react when someone attacks and blames us?  Do we defend ourselves at all costs?”  Do we try to be fair and balanced?  Or do we, like Jesus, recognie that ugliness is often an expression of pain?  Do we minister with love and patience?  Do we bring healing to the injured?”